Her seizures are back and that combined with her arthritis and cushings has depleted her quality of life to a point that this choice had to be made. Normally this is where we would go onto a fluffy post about how she was loved at the end, but I am too angry and upset to say that repetitive light end to an animals life again.
I am angry for myself. After 20 years of rescue making decisions like this still tears me up inside. The victory of saving lives is overshadowed by sadness and guilt while you are making arrangements to kill one. Sleepless nights and struggling to write this through tears never get any easier. A part of me dies with every one of the horses we lose and I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this.
I am angry for Pam, who is fostering Dotti. She is the one who will bravely be by Dotti's side as she is laid to rest because she knows being there for it breaks me in a way that never completely heals every time.
I am angry for Tara at Hayburner Haven. She and I have had many heart to hearts about how stressful and sad situations like this are. We are both fighting a battle with many victories but we will never win the war.
I am angry for my husband, Warren. In less than a year he has held me countless times while I have cried over lives lost. I can't imagine how hard that is for him.
I am angry for our vet, Stef, who was on the phone with me last night til almost 11 while we talked about options for Dotti, even though we both knew there was only the one choice that neither of us wanted to admit to.
I am angry for everyone who rallied for Dotti and contributed so we were able to give her this short retirement. We know you are hurting over this too.
I am mostly angry for Dotti. As a young, beautiful horse she was loved by many. Her spirit and determination made her keep going for everyone despite painful arthritis brought on by overwork. As age and health problems set in she was discarded, as so many living things are when they are no longer considered "useful". We bought this gentle soul for 20 cents a pound on her way to the slaughterhouse. So many people label the auction yards as the killers when their intervention is the only thing that brought Dotti to us where she has been loved these last few months and where she will be able to die with painless dignity.
So there is is in an ugly,sad nutshell. A lovely soul will be put to rest amongst relative strangers who stepped up for her in her golden years. All we can say is that it will be peaceful for her; she will spend the hours before it grazing on lush grass and being told what a good girl she has been. As for us, we will pick ourselves back up and wait to see who is the next horse is that society discards.
Society needs to change with regards to lives only being valued when they are considered useful. At some point we will all be older and in need of a care. God help us all when that time comes.
Rest in peace sweet Dotti ❤